I think people on the streets of new york are mean. I’ve been watching too many videos about gang-stalking on YouTube. I’ve also typed the word YouTube at work too many times today, and so I automatically capitalize the y and the t, and that kinda grosses me out. My partner had a work event tonight and as I laid on the bed because our couch is too full of clothes I remembered that free will is a thing, and that Im an adult who can make decisions, and so I went to get pizza. It was kind of bad pizza honestly, but I did feel good walking to the pizza place to get it, I was mentally singing the spongebob pizza song. I was proud of myself for getting out of the house after work even though I was tired. I was less proud that there is chicken sausage in my fridge that is probably going bad.

I overthink small things, like as I waited to have the guy bring my pizza out, I thought to myself, do I say “thanks man” or if he says “Spencer” do I say “that’s me”, that last one sounded corny. I liked the jeans the guy who brought me pizza was wearing, and how they were baggy and they draped over his leather shoes, i thought that was cool.

But I was walking to work today in manhattan and I realized that often I feel people are looking at me and muttering mean things under their breath. I turned the corner and I saw this small middle age woman walking in the same path towards me, and I moved slightly to the side, I didnt make eye contact with her, but it was that feeling where I feel like she was making eye contact with me, she wasnt going to move to the side, that felt certain. As she passed I heard her say something, and I could see her head follow me as I passed her. I didnt hear what she said exactly, but from the tone it sounded angry. There was no further interaction, so Im really not sure if she said anything at all, but I realized that I feel like this happens alot, and I wondered if other people feel this way. Is this some kind of weird pseudo-gang-stalking-munchhausers thing where I am convincing myself that other people are mean or want to start fights. From what I hear Im definitely not the first person in new york to think that other people are mean, but i dont know why I feel like this occurs to me more frequently than other people tell me it happens to them. I mean I guess some people tell me similar stories, but strangers did say fuck you to me more times this week than I think would be a normal amount, especially for a person who doesnt spend that much time outside. But I did go to mcdonalds 3 times this week, and people are generally volatile there. I miss drive thru restaurants.

I know cat-calling is obviously something that happens, when I talk to my partner about whether she realizes when people try and talk to her on the street, good or bad, she seems to almost phase it out, which is probably the best case scenario for anyone. But I dont know why there is some sort of initial-fuck-you attitude from people here, I think its bullshit. I heard someone say about new york on an art podcast today that the new york way of doing things is that someone will “punch you in the face, but then pull you off the subway tracks”. Which seems like almost a sort of transplant justification for people who are native to new york being volatile towards naive non-native new yorkers. Im not going to go down that rabbithole though as a transplant.

Im mostly just procrastinating from working on this commission painting, having a blog section on this site feels very “pick-me”. I was given the book Queen Baby by Issy Wood by a very nice person who works at her London gallery as a thanks; apparently Britain is having some international shipping issue whatever. For context the book is a collection of her blog posts, and I thought it was funny and smart, so here I am.

I saw on her live blog that I looked up this morning that she was giving up the domain, followed by a self-depricating statement on how she doesnt really think people are reading these. But she has had 2-3 books published of just her blog posts, and it is kinda cool to have an look in on someone elses personal writings. I hope people from my work dont read this.